Forgive Me

I was browsing through the January 2015 issue of Reader’s Digest, my favorite magazine in the world when I came across an article titled ‘Why We Forgive’. It was an extract from ‘The Book of Forgiving’ written by Desmond Tutu, the South African social rights activist. Tutu wrote about his traumatic childhood growing up with an abusive father and how forgiveness is truly difficult but necessary to enable the healing process.

The last few sentences of that article really struck a chord with me: 

“We don’t forgive to help the other person. 

We don’t forgive for others. 

We forgive for ourselves”.

For many years, I have carried the heavy burden of guilt for what happened to my best friend, Dee. Here is my story.

Dee and I met during orientation week at university. We were standing in a long queue and she was right in front of me when she turned, smiled the sweetest smile and said, “This is embarrassing, but I really need to go to the washroom. Can you save my place in the queue?”

I smiled back and said “Sure, the queue’s not moving that fast, anyway”. She said thanks and went off quickly. When she came back 10 minutes later, we started talking and over the next 2 years, became the best of friends.

Our friendship began to change when Dee started dating a guy in her class. She began spending most of her time with him and it got to a point where she neglected her studies and her grades suffered. When I asked Dee about it, she simply laughed it off, told me not to worry and said everything was under control.

One day I got a call from Dee’s mum. I have met Dee’s family before when I had gone back with Dee to her hometown to celebrate Hari Raya. Dee’s mum was worried why Dee had not been returning home for quite some time. When Dee’s mum asked me what was going on with her daughter, I had no choice but to tell her everything. How Dee was skipping classes and missing assignment deadlines because she was going out too frequently. I told Dee’s mum that I had tried talking to Dee about it but it had gotten nowhere so her mum said that she would discuss with Dee’s dad on what had to be done.

Later that evening, Dee stormed into my room. She was crying and shouting and saying that I had no right to interfere in her life. I told Dee her mum was sick with worry and deserved to know what’s going on. Dee accused me of being jealous; she said she hated me and never wanted to see me again. Then she left.

That was the last time I saw Dee. I thought that after our argument, she had gone back to her room. Unfortunately I was wrong. Dee had actually driven off in her car and according to the police, she was driving at very high speed when the car crashed into a tree. She died on the spot.

All this happened many years ago but the memory of it all is still fresh in my mind and the pain has not fully gone away. I never stopped blaming myself for what happened to Dee.

If I could talk to Dee for one last time, this is what I would say to her:

“Dee, I’m so sorry we got into that horrible fight. I wish I could go back to the time when we shared so much joy and laughter.

I’m sad that I will never see your sweet smile again, just like the one you gave me when we first met.

I hope that you have forgiven me for not being the friend you deserved so that I too, can forgive myself for what happened to you.”

The article in Reader's Digest has made me realized that life is too short to be living in sadness and regret. I must forgive myself in order for the much-needed healing process to begin. I know that Dee would have wanted that for me.

Rest in peace, my friend. I miss you.

Lotsa Luv